The future is here!! Well… almost. The race is on to develop the first commercially-available autonomous car. Cruise control? More like LOSE CONTROL!
Who, you might ask, is in the race to launch this person-free driving machine? Ford? Chrysler? GM? Surprisingly, NONE of the the “Big Three” manufacturers have decided to join the competition, and have decided to leave this new technology to Silicon Valley. As of now, Google and Apple are leading the charge to take the wheel away from us all.
REVENGE OF THE COMPUTER NERDS has descended upon the Auto Universe, taking the designs, functionality and features to another dimension.
Supposing ALL of Silicon Valley get’s in the race, how would their respective cars perform?
-A car that, much like Google Chrome, crashes immediately upon starting up.
-They call it “Google Plus Car,” which everyone uses it for a week and then immediately go back to driving their Ford.
-It keeps mistakenly driving you to strip clubs and adult novelty stores.
-You don’t have to steer the car, but you have to “like” and “share” everything that it does in order to keep it going.
-Every time you get in, one of your annoying relatives is already in your back seat and wants to show you some dumb meme that you already hated a month ago.
-Every time you pass another car it asks you, “do you recognize this person?”
-Get’s you there in 140 seconds, while the facebook car takes a month to get to the same point.
-If you ever state an opinion while driving it, every other car on the road immediately tries to run you over and kill you.
-It takes 30 minutes to start up if you didn’t clean its Windows after it’s last drive.
-Pulls over to the side of the road every 5 minutes until you update your Anti-Virus software
-Cost twice as much as the Microsoft car and only hipsters and college kids want to drive it.
-Drives great for a while, then freezes, starts to spin, and dies.
-Keeps veering off the road to either the left or the right.
-Pretty sure all of the places that it’s going to take you to don’t look anything like their pictures.
-Car only comes in “Valencia,” “X Pro II,” “Mayfair” and “Lo-Fi.”
-Only aspiring models, compulsive over-eaters (food pornography is an addiction) and anyone who has ever walked around outside, are the only people who get financing. The more unemployed, the better.
-Trying to buy the car, but instead you just wire some money to a Nigerian prince.
-Just a car full of teenagers that don’t know what they are doing.